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A Book of Tales CH 2

Title: A Book of Tales
-or- How America Saved Canada With Porn
Author(s): yours truly XD
Genre: Humor, Romance
Characters/Pairing(s): US/UK
Rating: NC-17, this chapter light R
Warnings: Sex. Lots and lots of sex, and people talking about sex.
Summary: Various US/UK/US scenarios. Some in canon, some AU.
Alternate Summary: In order to save his brother from yet another fangirl mob, America does the heroic thing and writes all sorts of PWP for the masses with England's help. Side-Story for “Author!Anon”.

CH 1: http://dreamslikeglass.livejournal.com/3973.html


Time Stamp: December 8, 2009 6:10-6:30 PM GMT (1:10-1:30 PM EST)
Location: London, England

England sighed in satisfaction. He had just finished up some paperwork, and he was currently rewarding himself by indulging in a few hobbies, namely embroidery and tea drinking. Rubbing his eyes tiredly, he set down his needle, and headed over to his computer. After checking his e-mail, he allowed himself to partake in a bit of online reading. After reading a few kink_meme prompts, he clicked onto America's livejournal page to see if the other Nation had posted that story from the other day. England wasn't surprised to see that it was indeed there, waiting to be read.

Even though England had already read the first draft of the tale, he wanted to read over it again to see if America had at least fixed the grammar. Curiously, when England clicked on the link, the story started not with the lines he had read the other day, but rather with a retelling of the events that had happened a few weeks ago.

“Odd,” England murmured to himself as he read, “I thought America was just going to publish his porn, not start blogging about his daily life.”

After he got past the slice-of-life from America (Must the boy constantly refer to his cock as Florida? It was a terrible thing to think of, especially since America himself referred to the peninsula as “Death's Waiting Room.”) England finally got into the actual story. England was pleased to note that America had at least proofread the text, and had gotten rid of the grammar mistakes. (At least the computer automatically fixed spelling mistakes. America still couldn't spell “definitely,” “vegetable,” or “library” without consultation, his other writing skills be damned.) Idly, the island Nation wondered if his fellow Nation had taken the advice from the other day and had added a complete sex scene. To be honest, England doubted it, seeing as America still hadn't written full fledged porn for “Fairytale.” The idiot git was likely going to avoid the whole issue of sex scenes until someone shoved him in a corner and either forced or bribed him to write.

As England neared the end of the story, he took a sip from his teacup, allowing the warm beverage to curl pleasantly in his insides. And then he nearly choked on his drink as he read what America had tacked on at the end of his story. It was there: the conversation England had with his former colony about editing “A Book of Tales.” The nerve of that idiotic, independence-declaring, brat! How dare America reveal events that cast England in an ungentlemanly light. Oh, good God, the embarrassment!Yet again, England's reputation was dragged through the mud by that imbecile! And yet that was only the beginning, for when the Briton scrolled down in the comments, there was yet another indignity upon his person.

A drawing. It was a drawing of him as a bloody half naked rabbit! Another one! And. It. Was. All. America's. FAULT!

Seething with anger, England viciously grabbed his mobile to ring up a certain soon-to-be-Florida-less American.


Location: Washington, DC, the United States of America

America groaned and laid his head on his desk. So far, the day had been exhausting. Other than being able to take a late lunch break to eat some burgers, America had been swamped with work at the White House. And it was only Monday! Maybe he'd play hooky tomorrow and go bother England...

“Sir, a call for you,” a voice called from the door way. America bushed aside his tiredness, and quickly put on a chipper smile as he pressed the speakerphone button.


“America!” an enraged voice on the other line snarled, “You bloody twat!”

“Hiya, Iggy!” America chirped, noting offhandedly that a few of the Secret Service agents and other White House staff had crowded around his office door to listen in, clearly interested in witnessing one of the infamous fights between their Nation and Great Britain.

“Don't you dare act innocent with me, you brat,” England hissed, his tone matching perfectly with that of a pissed off parent, “How dare you embarrass me...Again! Again, America! When will you ever learn?!”

“What are you talking about?” America questioned before looking over to his people and mouthing a silent “He's fucking crazy” to them.

“Your bloody web-page, that's what!” England's voice snapped, “What I say behind closed doors is not meant to be shared online! I have a reputation as a gentleman to maintain! I know you have little desire to uphold your good image, you little sexual deviant, but think of others for once in your bloody life!”

“Uh, is this about your masturbation marathons?” America asked, turning his attention away from the audience at his doorway, “'Cause I had to break it to you, but everyone's known about that since forever.”

“No, you idiot git, it's about you receiving bloody pictures of me with half naked and your God forsaken porn writing!” England all but screamed over the phone. Instantly, America blanched at the mention of his hobby.

“What is this about porn writing?” a distinctly feminine voice inquired from the doorway. Interestingly enough, both Nations made nearly identical choked sounds at exactly the same time.

America winced, not daring to look up at the doorway, and instead addressed his suddenly quiet phone, “England, I know you're mad at me, but I think you just got me back, ten-fold. We can talk about this later, but for now, truce?”

“...” England paused, before continuing on a much quieter and calmer tone, “Truce. Tell your First Lady I said hello, and that I look forward to seeing her again on my next visit.”

“Sure thing,” America managed to get out before hanging up, looking towards the door, and waving sheepishly at his doom in the form of his boss' wife.

“Is there something you'd like to say?” the First Lady asked, arching a slim eyebrow at her Nation.

America grinned sheepishly, “Uh...don't tell your husband?”


Time Stamp: December 8, 2009 6:05-6:30 PM EST (11:05-11:30PM GMT)

Web cams, America decided, were a fucking amazing invention. It was thanks to them that he could see England's face from half an ocean away, and talk to the other Nation directly.

Not that England was looking at him, of course. The stubborn Brit was half turned away from the computer screen, but America could easily see the red blush blooming on the skin of his neck.

“Sooooooo,” America coughed, breaking the silence, “I'm a dick.”

“How very observant of you, America,” England sneered, refusing to turn towards the camera, “I thought we went over this months ago. You should ask permission from me to write porn of us.”

“I did!” America snapped back as he glared at the computer screen, “You even proofread it!”

“Yes, but I have no recollection of permitting you to post about our critique session,” England sniffed, defiantly crossing his arms. Stubborn bastard.

“You're just pissed because you got outed as a super pervert,” America grumbled, sticking his tongue out childishly, “News flash, Iggy, everyone already knows you're a kinky old man. For fuck's sake, I've seen what you hide under your bed!”

“That's not the point!” England hissed, finally whirling around to face the camera, and letting his green eyes bore into the American, “It's the principle of the thing!”

“Whatever,” America scoffed, leaning back in his chair, “Is this about your gentleman thing? Damn it, but this shit doesn't matter! Being a gentleman is about having a stick up your ass. Everyone knows you have a stick up your ass. Liking sex does not mean you don't have a stick up your ass. Hell, you'll have mine up there.”

England flushed, and shrieked at his computer screen, “Y-you twat!”

“Hey, you were the jerk that called me while I was at work to rant about porn,” America shot back, this time resisting to stick his tongue out at his former mentor, “Thank God my First Lady's awesome, and isn't gonna rat me out to my boss. Hmm, note to self, buy her a nice Christmas present.”

There was a sudden lull in the conversation as England stared blankly at the younger Nation. America grinned weakly at the other blond in the classic American expression “I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure why I have to be.” The smile gained in strength when the American saw England's lips twitch ever so slightly upwards. On America's screen, England buried the bottom half of his head in his hands, but America could still see the slight upturned angle of those green eyes.

“We're doing it again, aren't we?” England asked.

“Fighting over stupid shit?” America clarified with a smirk, “Yep! I'd like to point out that you were the biggest jerk in this fight.”

“So says the one who made deals to write more porn for perverted drawings of us,” England grumbled halfheartedly, his earlier ire starting to wane, “Honestly, America, you're corrupting your youth.”

“But think about it, Iggy!” America began, excitement radiating from him in waves as he bounced lightly in his chair, “We can get comics of us! There's nothing dickish about getting free porn.”

“We already get comics from Japan,” England pointed out, “In fact, I do believe you have several folders dedicated to that rubbish.”

America grinned rakishly, a mischievous gleam in his eyes, “You weren't calling it rubbish when you read 'Closed Garden Dinner Party.' In fact, if I remember correctly, after you finished reading it for the fifth time in a row, you dragged me off to some dark corner and—”

“Enough, you git!” England yelped, his face fully flushed, “Stop changing the subject!”

“Fine,” America grumbled before breaking out into another wide grin, “Where was I? Oh, yeah! Getting free porn from my adoring fans! Think about it, Iggy, this is the first time we can actually ask for something specific! We'll actually be able to choose! Isn't that fucking awesome?”

“'We'?” England echoed, a touch of surprise in his tone.

“Of course!” America nodded, “Since you're being my co-author and stuff. Oh man, think about the possibilities! And it'll be a great relationship building exercise or whatever. Anything in particular you want to have or not have? 'Cause I'm leaning towards some domination with some sort of clothing or costume fetish. Maaaaaaaaaybe shower sex, but I've already seen some awesome shower sex.”

“And you accuse me of being a pervert,” England huffed, his face flushed lightly, “France has obviously corrupted you. Next you'll ask for tentacle monster dub-con.”

America made a face, “Who do you think I am: Japan or you?”

“I don't like things like...things like that!”

“Uh huh...sure,” America snickered sarcastically, “So, I'll ask you again: if you could get porn of us what would you ask for? You can tell meeeeeeeeee~”

England was silent for a moment. America continued to look at him expectantly before the Briton finally sighed, licked his lips, and gave a response.

“...I prefer a bit of refinement in the bedroom,” England replied haughtily, “I would like you under me, begging for release after slow sensual foreplay. And maybe something to do with your old dress suit. You do look nice when you actually put the effort into it. And I'll agree with you on the shower sex.”

“A.K.A. you want domination and a clothing fetish. You even went along with shower sex,” America snickered, leaning closer to the computer screen to give England a better view of the wicked gleam dancing in those blue eyes, “Glad to see we're on the same page, Iggy. But I want to be on top and you should totally be in my old uniform.”

“Let me guess,” England hummed as he tapped his cheek thoughtfully, “You were inspired by that fill with you in my old uniform.”

“Yeah, the lobster back one,” America nodded, “I figured you could return the favor.”

“Not in this lifetime.”

“I think you'd look good in blue,” America pouted, “Of course, I'd think you'd look good out of blue and in my bed too.”

“Perver—Wait. Good God...Are we bonding over porn?” England suddenly asked, slightly aghast.

“Yep, isn't it awesome?” America laughed, his eyes crinkling up in glee, “It's what all the cool couples do! Hey, are you still cool about editing my next story? It's about bunny you in an apron!”

England felt his eyebrow twitch in annoyance, “You're still going through with that prompt?!”

“Of course!” America scoffed, “I promised, didn't I? Heroes gotta keep their promises! And you look cute in an apron.”

England buried his head in his arms, and gave out a resigned sigh, “Fine, do what you wish. But I'm picking your third prompt. Understood?”

America mock saluted, “Aye, aye, captain!”

Author's Notes: Next chapter will be porn, promise. And the full scene too, because yeah...I give free porn, I get free porn. Cool deal, amirite? Besides, I've wanted to do something with bunny!Iggy and fucking for months!

By the way, to my better half (if he's reading) uh...It's always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? >.> Yeah. LOL, I know you didn't reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally forgive me for the first chapter, so whatever. Even if you seem to have dropped it, I know you! You hold a grudge forever! Might as well rack up all the bad points now and grovel all at once at the end. My logic is so fucking awesome! XD


( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 11th, 2009 04:21 am (UTC)
....Ahahahaha!! Oh dear, the two of them xDDDD -can't stop grinning-
Dec. 11th, 2009 05:18 am (UTC)
I live to serve for amusement~
Dec. 11th, 2009 04:23 am (UTC)
I love this. Oh England. It's OK. We love you, even if you are a pervert. ♥

Closed Garden Dinner Party

*laughs so hard*

As the person who scanned the raws for this one, I feel oddly honored it got a mention.

Should I tell you guys I'll probably scanning several more doujins of you in the next few days? I wanted to get that bunny!England doujin a while back but sadly it was unavailable...
Dec. 11th, 2009 05:19 am (UTC)
That's right you were the original scanner! I wuv you!
omg bunny!Iggy = yes plz!!!
(no subject) - spectre_infanta - Dec. 11th, 2009 06:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 11th, 2009 04:37 am (UTC)
Ironically enough, I read Closed Dinner Party yesterday.

Also, that part about the First Lady and getting him back tenfold? Freakin' awesome.
Dec. 11th, 2009 05:20 am (UTC)
It's like fate, only better 'cause porn was involved XD
Dec. 11th, 2009 04:38 am (UTC)
is Closed Garden Dinner Party real or made up? if it's real, scanlated? i would totally read it! lol
great chapter
Dec. 11th, 2009 05:21 am (UTC)
Yep it's real! You can find the scanlated version here: http://community.livejournal.com/hetalia/5049841.html
(no subject) - bittergreentea - Dec. 11th, 2009 06:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 11th, 2009 04:45 am (UTC)
You two are awesome. <3

*imagines England in his old pirate costume, with America as one of his hostages, and shivers a little*
Dec. 11th, 2009 05:23 am (UTC)
welllllllllllll....ya know, one of the prompts I was given was pirate!England.
(no subject) - leaper182 - Dec. 11th, 2009 05:49 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - dreamslikeglass - Dec. 11th, 2009 01:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - leaper182 - Dec. 11th, 2009 01:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sara_rojo - Feb. 3rd, 2010 08:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 11th, 2009 04:59 am (UTC)
woah, that's the first time anyone has requested something from me in the form of a fic! 8D *happyhappy*

I'll do my best America~! I hope you'll like my amateur style!! <33

Oh and England (if you're reading), I'm totally not SORRY FOR DRAWING THAT PICTURE. you're fucking cute in an [American Flag] apron. ACCEPT IT! >8]

Also, I was damaged WAAAAAAAAAAY before discovering America's personification. Guiltless FTW!!*

*takes out tablet to start draft*
Dec. 11th, 2009 05:29 am (UTC)
*snickered* Figured you'd like that...
Ha! Take that Iggy! I ain't corrupting anybody, if anything they're corrupting me! :P
Amateur style? Hardly! I practically lick the screen each time I see you've posted a new piece of artwork. You draw the best genderbend. XD And "Breathless"? Ngh...that was so freaking hot.
(no subject) - blulious - Dec. 11th, 2009 05:36 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - dreamslikeglass - Dec. 11th, 2009 01:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 11th, 2009 05:39 am (UTC)

holy crap what Closed Garden Dinner Party LOL. ARTHUR WTH. Oh gosh, my image of Arthur being a gentleman has gone straight down the drain.

Alfred you dork, you're corrupting us too! LOLZ (Not that I mind, I'll be sitting here laughing so hard till I'm having stomach cramps rofl rofl)

Dec. 11th, 2009 01:42 pm (UTC)
Yep, that's me, ruining Iggy's reputation one fic at a time. *thumbs up*

Dec. 11th, 2009 06:29 am (UTC)

Totally made my night with that comment! W00t! (And uh, it sucks that the First Lady overheard that bit of info about the pr0n writing. Talk about TMI...Just *how* did you convince her to not tell her husband anyways?)

And I would like to point out that we love Iggy as the closet punk and sexual deviant that he is. In fact, I think I like him more as a sexual deviant than that english gentleman facade that he insists on putting up. <3

Also, Iggy's wrong on that bit about you corrupting your youth, Alfred. First off, you're also corrupting Canada's and all the other country's youth. Secondly, we all know that the real fault belongs to Japan and youtube. Just thought I'd point that out ;)
Dec. 11th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
Pfft, my First Lady is awesome, that's how! And I might have whipped out my pocket constitution and used a combination of the first, fifth, sixth, eighth, ninth, and tenth amendments to plead my case. And there might have been excessive use of good old fashioned American pouting.

*snerk* Americanization at it's finest. Gotta agree with you on Japan and youtube.
Dec. 11th, 2009 08:23 am (UTC)
awesome i have closed garden dinner party i'm wih Iggy on America in his old clothes and the foreplay
Dec. 11th, 2009 01:53 pm (UTC)
Great doujin amirite? XD
Man I wish I owned the actual paper version of that doujin...Actually I wish I owned the paper versions of a lot of doujins. lol
Dec. 11th, 2009 10:05 am (UTC)
Pffft, bonding over porn. What a great thing to bond over.

And England, I think that everyone knows you're a closet pervert by now. There isn't really any use hiding it anymore.
Dec. 11th, 2009 01:56 pm (UTC)
What?! Porn is a great thing to bond over. It's fun for everybody!

*sigh* Iggy's a stubborn old man. Stiff upper lip and all that crap. He'll try hiding his pervertedness til the day he dies.
Dec. 11th, 2009 02:18 pm (UTC)
Bonding over porn is a great thing to do, Arthur~ and you love it, admit it like a proper gentleman you are >D
Dec. 11th, 2009 02:28 pm (UTC)
LOL your struck out comment, omg lol!
Gotta have to use that logic on my bunny sometime...
Dec. 11th, 2009 04:54 pm (UTC)
Ugh... I was wondering the other day if I should read Closed Garden Dinner Party. But I was on hiatus (Still am... But I'm only here because you updated. <333) so I didn't download it. Ugh... Now you make me want to read it. XDD And... what was that fill of you in Iggy's old uniform? I soooo wanna read it. I have a strange fetish of both of you in your old uniforms. :3 If you have the link, can you please share it with me? *puppy dog eyes*
I'll give you my fanart of Iggy in a dress. ;D
Dec. 11th, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
You should read Closed Garden Dinner Party. It's reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good.

As for the fic, it's called "Wool and Leather" by nightblink. You can read it here http://community.livejournal.com/usxuk/278256.html

Woot, fanart!
(no subject) - sutera - Dec. 11th, 2009 09:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - dreamslikeglass - Dec. 12th, 2009 01:40 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 11th, 2009 09:12 pm (UTC)
Aaaw - I was hoping Iggy and Alfred would have webcam sex. 8D Whatever. I totally love this fic. <3
Dec. 11th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC)
Lol, webcam sex would have been pretty awesome. Better than phone sex~
Thanks for reading!
Dec. 12th, 2009 12:21 pm (UTC)
England viciously grabbed his mobile to ring up a certain soon-to-be-Florida-less American.

Man, these never get oldXDXDXDXD

I was laughing the whole time, specially when England got so pissed that you wrote and shared the critique session, when I was imagining that, since we're reading it, you HAD written that one as well. We'll see if it was with permission or not, ne?XD

England flushed, and shrieked at his computer screen, “Y-you twat!”

There needs to be, at some point, a fic about someone, probably Kiku or someone proficient in japanese, explaining to England the meaning of 'tsundere' XDXDXDXD

Your First Lady was awesomeXD. It's like we ladies have a sixth sense when it comes to two men talking about writing pornXD

A question, out of curiosity...do you know Himaruya-sensei personally? Why does he leave out all the steamy smexiness of your lives? T.T
Dec. 14th, 2009 12:41 am (UTC)
Oh, Iggy knows all about the word "tsundere" but chooses to ignore it. I think he's in denial as usual.

As for knowing Himaruya personally, how else do you think he was able to render my awesome image so well? XD
Mar. 1st, 2011 02:58 pm (UTC)
this would be the first time posting something on LJ. Shoot...this story is pretty funny. Nearly rolled off my bed kinda while reading it! Long live America, home of the free and land of the...of um...of funny things and Bunny-Iggys! ...funny how this is coming from a semi prim and proper American girl LOL.
( 39 comments — Leave a comment )