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A Book of Tales CH. 4.5

Title: A Book of Tales
-or- How America Saved Canada With Porn
Author(s): yours truly XD
Genre: Humor, Romance
Characters/Pairing(s): US/UK
Rating: NC-17; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: Sex. Lots and lots of sex, and people talking about sex.
Summary: Various US/UK/US scenarios. Some in canon, some AU, all interwoven with some slice-of-life.
Alternate Summary: In order to save his brother from yet another fangirl mob, America does the heroic thing and writes all sorts of PWP for the masses with England's help. Side-Story for “Author!Anon”.

This chapter: A plea of help


CH 1: http://dreamslikeglass.livejournal.com/3973.html
CH 2: http://dreamslikeglass.livejournal.com/4336.html
CH 3: http://dreamslikeglass.livejournal.com/4626.html
Ch 4: http://dreamslikeglass.livejournal.com/5118.html

Time Stamp: February 21, 2010. 8:35 PM EST

Author's Note:

Hi guys, your awesome hero here! Uh, you're probably all wondering why this chapter is suddenly in first person, instead of the usual third person, but there's a reason for that! It's also the same reason why this "chapter" is labeled 4.5 rather than 5, and why I didn't post the announcement for this "chapter" on either hetalia or usxuk. Don't worry, it's nothing like me saying I'm going to stop updating my journal or something like that. (Though, my boss and uh, a couple of others at work is getting kinda suspicious about how my work is getting backlogged, but hey, I catch up on it during the weekends!)

Anyway, right to the point. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally don't like doin' this sorta thing, 'cause ya know, I can usually handle it myself, 'cause I'm fucking awesome but I, uh, kinda/sorta/really fucked up recently and I need all the help I can get! So if anyone sees this post and has any suggestions, feel free to tell me. No seriously.

So, uh, this is what happened. Me and Iggy were out to dinner a few nights ago. If anyone lives in the DC Metro area, we were over in Old Town, at the Fish Market. (Hey, Iggy likes taking me to fish and chips when I'm over at his place, so I figured that I'd return the favor. 'Sides my crab cakes are fucking awesome! ...Oh wait, that sounded kinda bad, but don't take it that way, you pervs!)

Fast forward through dinner--it's the usual boring stuff anyway, we eat, we talk, we play footsie under the table. (Okay, to be honest, I play footsie, and he kicks my shin and tells me "not in public, git".) I'd also like to make it clear to everyone that my fries are better than his chips, no matter what he says. Sorry, old dinnertime argument. After dinner, we go on a walk around Old Town. Nice normal stuff, ya know? That is until we passed by that sign...the ghost tour sign.

For the record, I was NOT scared. Heroes don't get scared! It's just g-ghosts after all! There's absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that my capital and the surrounding areas are...are h-haunted. There isn't anything wrong with my people giving tours about g-ghosts either! Really! I mean, I've got lots of haunted places. Not as much as Iggy thank God but still, I can handle it! I'm awesome like that, fuck yeah!

It's just a little creepy when the room gets all cold for no reason and things start moving by themselves and when you hear things that aren't there and you know in your heart someone died where you are standing at that moment...Uh, I'm going to stop now before I start freaking someone out.

Ahem. Anyway, Iggy gets into one of his "nostalgic old man" moods when he sees the signs, and starts telling ghost stories. The really creepy ones, with vengeful ghosts, historical bits, a-and stuff. Why did he have to start with the one about his dead soldier still hanging around the White House?! WHY?! *shudders* So, being the hero I am, I can't let him go around scaring the tourists that were hanging around. I wasn't scared of his story, damn it! So, I tried pulling him away by the arm, and because I was, uh, excited (NOT scared, okay?!) I, um, pulled a little too hard.

And by a little, I mean a lot. *groans* I dislocated his arm. He was able to pop it back in right away, but it must have hurt like a bitch. And now I feel like a complete and utter ass.

The worst part is, that I didn't even notice! Not when I popped it out, or when he popped it back in! He just paused for a moment, fixed his shoulder quietly and discretely, and then kept walking with me! He didn't even give any clue that he was in pain, just a little grimace that I thought was from one of my jokes! I mean, I know about the stiff upper lip and all, but come on! I would have never known that I had hurt him if he didn't accidentally let it slip that it happened two days ago!

*sigh* I suppose what I'm getting at is that I have no fucking clue how to make it up to him. I said I was sorry, and he said it was fine, but still...I didn't notice. Shouldn't I be more aware of these sorta things? And I know you're not supposed to hurt your significant other. I mean, sure, we've done worse stuff to each other before, but we're supposed to be getting better at that sorta thing. *groans* Iggy says I'm being an idiot, and that it's okay, but I still feel kinda bad about it.

Basically, I'm not really sure what to do. He said that he doesn't need an apology, but he's just doing that stiff upper lip thing again. And, yeah, he's right, it could have been a TON worse, but I still feel bad. And I do want to make it up to him, somehow. But I need to make it up to him without making it seem like it's an apology because then he's just going to call me an idiot and not accept it, because he's stubborn. *groan* Maybe I'm just overreacting. I dunno. I've never been in this sorta situation before. Normally when I fuck up, I know he wants me to make amends, but now, I fucked up and he doesn't want me to do something, but I wanna do something.

So, uh, yeah. I'll admit, I'm not the best at the whole touchy-feely stuff. I need some suggestions. Normally, I'd ask Mattie, Kiku, or Francis, but Mattie is up to his ears in Olympic stuff, Japan's shojo manga collection isn't helping him, and France is, uh, France. So yeah. Any help you got would be great, even if it's just something as simple as "Al, you're being an idiot, and here's the obvious answer," 'cause it's not obvious to me.

Hey, do you think this might be why not a lot of people like watching scary movies with me?



( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 22nd, 2010 05:26 am (UTC)
Jesus, I'm tired and really pissed off that your team beat mine at hockey again, damnit but somehow I can't get properly sarcastic at you.

I wish I could give some advice, but I can't stay awake long enough to think. I do hope things between you and Father get better, though. (And good job in the Olympics so far.)
Feb. 22nd, 2010 02:48 pm (UTC)
Don't worry bout being properly snarky Matt; I've been feeling the nasty glares across the border already, thanks. BTW, IN YOUR FACE BRO! USA ALL THE WAY! *cough* I mean, good luck against Germany? I'll be rooting for ya! *heroic grin*

Anyway, don't let the Olympic fever drive you crazy. Remember China back in '08?

...And thanks.
Feb. 22nd, 2010 05:12 pm (UTC)
...Thank you? Not to worry, we'll do something to get back at you guys constantly occasionally beating us at our game.

That was an interesting Olympics, to be certain. This isn't as bad as Montreal, at least. I couldn't see straight when that was over with. This is sort of fun... in an insane, masochistic sort of way.

I have to support my bro, no matter how much of a pain he's being. Even if it means swallowing my hockey pride.
Feb. 22nd, 2010 05:48 am (UTC)
Considering the fact that Iggy's a romantic at heart, he'd probably appreciate it if you take him out on a nice date - and by nice, I mean spend times doing stuff that *he* likes. Just off the top of my head:

1. Afternoon tea time by the lakeshore (make sure to bring some fantastic scones and don't go cheap on the tea either)

2. Strolling around London and listening to his old man rambling. You know how he likes to reminisce.

3. Invite him to watch some Shakespeare with you in theatre (and for the love of God, do *not* fall asleep! While you're at it, keep your running commentary to yourself!)

4. Since he likes the sea so much, bring him to dinner on a boat! I'm pretty sure you can find some fantastic dinner cruises. Since Iggy is such a recluse, he'd probably appreciate it if you book the whole boat to yourselves. Bring a good bottle of wine.

5. And last but not least, finish the night off with some fantastic smex. I don't think he'd mind a little role-playing. ;) Hell, if anything, you can skip 1 to 4 and go straight to this part. Arthur's a pervert and a pirate so why not make the best use of these?
Feb. 22nd, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)
*scribbles down notes*

Good tea, huh? Sooo, Southern sweet tea? It's the only way to go.

But I listen to his old man rambling all the time! He's like an emo chatterbox when he's drunk. Besides, his rambling always turns to that eventually. And I want him to be happy, not depressed.

...Hey, I object to the falling asleep to Shakespeare! I don't! Uh, usually. >.> Hmm. Gotta see what's available at the local theaters, I guess. When in doubt, there's always the movie versions! XD

*singing* I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat/Everybody look at me/'Cause I'm sailing on a boat/I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat/Take a good hard look/At the motherfucking boat */singing* *snicker* Sorry...I had to. Hey, you think Iggy'd like me serenading him with "I'm on a Boat"?

Fuck, I love number five. XD

Thanks for the suggestions!
Feb. 22nd, 2010 03:42 pm (UTC)
No Alfred! Never, ever, ever resort to the movie version! You're only setting yourself up for a long, painful rant on how the movie bastardize the beauty of the play and completely triggering his rant mode, possibly ruining role-play smex night! D:. If there's no Shakespeare, you can always do something else - a classical musical concert, hell, Broadway if you must. (He's got to like Broadway. I mean, Baron Andrew Lloyd Webber is his own!)

As for the tea, just give him his old man tea. Something like Earl Grey. He drinks that stuff like its water anyways so he shouldn't complain too much about it.
Feb. 22nd, 2010 04:09 pm (UTC)
But, "Much Ado About Nothing" has Denzel Washington and Keanu Reeves as half-brothers! How awesome is that? And "Merchant of Venice" has half naked people everywhere. Who doesn't like half naked people on screen? Uh, maybe a musical is better. Everybody likes Broadway! Uh, that is if I can find tickets to a good show that isn't sold out.

Screw it, maybe just take him to the movies. There's got to be a film he wants to watch playing.
Feb. 22nd, 2010 08:43 pm (UTC)
Somehow, I doubt Iggy will appreciate Denzel Washington and Keanu Reeves like you do...or the bit about the half naked people. He's probably seen *his* share of the latter, the perv.

And c'mon, are you not the United States of America? You're telling me that you can't grab decent tickets for a good Broadway show? This Canuck is not impressed.

Well, if worse comes to worse, there's always plan B - Movie night at home! Which will hopefully lead to a hot makeout session on the couch if you play your cards right heheh.
Feb. 22nd, 2010 10:08 pm (UTC)
The one thing bout Broadway is that it's hard for EVERYONE to get tickets if the show is popular enough. If it's sold out, no can do, unless I get someone to offer me up their ticket. (Hey, just cause I'm me, doesn't mean I can work outside the rules. Not for this sorta thing anyway.)

Movie night would be awesome! Just need to pick a movie from my collection...
Feb. 23rd, 2010 12:18 am (UTC)
Whenever there are these big shows playing, they always have a couple of tickets reserved (generally it's for the media so that they can do a coverage on it). You can totally get your hands on those. Just sayin' ;)

Or if you prefer the more honest alternative, prebook your shows. That should also give you a nice time frame to do some planning.
Feb. 22nd, 2010 08:44 pm (UTC)
A couple of suggestions!
I have to second all of this, Al! It really sound slike a good idea *nods nods*
May I add a couple of details?

2. When you go on that walk, make sure to look up some British history so that you don't, uh, say idiotic stuff. Maybe? ^^U

Oh, and so you can show some appreciation for it! Say something nice about his history and culture or something! even if it's only "oh, I love how nicely built ______ is" xDDDDD

And don't worry about him getting depressed, he probably loves to speak about his country and, if you're an appreciative audience, he won't even think about *that* at all ^^

3. Yeah, I can't stress enough how very not recommended the movie thing is, tooXD (unless it's Kenneth Branagh). And say something about how Shakespeare rocks? Because you know he does, you writers and screenplayers are crazy about the guyXD

4. Make sure neither the food nor the cook, waiter or...just that nobody is FrenchXD. Yeah, not even the food, just stomach that British food like a man!XD (or maybe you can have something American that's been influenced by British cuisine. You point it out, too and swallow the "and we made it better, of course" xD

5. May I suggest colonial roleplay? I don't know if you're against it, but if you dress up and speak like your colonial self just before the Revolution (you know, when you were already legal and stuffXD), I think Iggy will be nosebleeding all over the place and won't even question it! xD
If not...just bring out the pirate!UK, his most glorious times. And make us happyXD

BTW, how are the Olympics treating you? Are you happy to be beating everybody at everything? LOL. Do you guys argue a lot when there are Olympic Games? I guess not so much with Iggy though just you wait for the next World Cup FootballXD but everybody else...
Feb. 22nd, 2010 10:55 pm (UTC)
Re: A couple of suggestions!
I've told Iggy LOTS of times how "well built" Big Ben is! /bricked

Yeah, Shakespeare is pretty awesome. Freakishly enough, my people like some of Iggy's writers more than Iggy's people like his writers. Like Jane Austen, there's more Austen fans at my place than Iggy's...Uh, not that I've read any Austen. *whistles innocently*

But Iggy likes French food. But I get what you mean. British food or American food inspired by British food...Like apple pie? Which we did make better, true facts.

...>.> I'm not going to comment about the roleplay bits.

Oh fuck, I always love the Olympics! XD Mattie's doing an awesome job at hosting, amirite?
Feb. 23rd, 2010 02:54 am (UTC)
Re: A couple of suggestions!
I will never get tired of those kind of jokes. NeverXD

Well, that happens sometimes. There's even an entry in TVTRopes called "Germans Love David Hasselhoff" *snorts* Sometimes people get miffed about a certain place liking characters or things that were *obviously* meant to be despisedXD (and when it happens with world leaders...good god, you have blood splattering the floor with that. Kinda like visiting Russia, but more fundangerousXD)

Yeah, he does, but I think he internally suffers when he has to admit itXD (and in dates, talking about the food/restaurant is mandatoryXD)

Awwww, you dislike both proposals? even Captain Kirkland?

Yeah, you would like them, considering all the gold you're taking homeXD.
If Canada's not stressed out of his mind, he's doing pretty awesome, considering how things areXD (Olympics sound like parties: they sound awesome to hold, but you end up not wanting to host them while at it; you have to make sure everybody plays nice, everything runs smoothly, there are not many complaints, judging system is not trashed too much, nobody causes World War III over anything and, by the end of the day, all of you go for drinks and fun and he probably crawls to bed with his polar bear that doesn't know who he isXD)
Feb. 26th, 2010 03:01 am (UTC)
Re: A couple of suggestions!
You overestimate my abilities. I'm glad (both of) you think I'm doing a good job though. Keeping the Winter Olympics War of the Pants under control has been pretty crazy.
Feb. 23rd, 2010 02:22 am (UTC)
Hahahahahahaha. OMG!! Forgive me for laughing but Iggy is so AWESOME for brushing that off like that and you are sooo DORKY for worrying able this still. <33

XDDDDDDDD;; O gad, my side!!

Reading through the comments, I disagree with the Shakespeare n general (movie or play). Being the EXTREME stereo-typical American that I am, I fell asleep on all things Shakespeare (movie and play). And sleeping on significant other's plays = NO!! Also, if you do take him around London for walk...

BIG BEN IS NOT THE CLOCK!! It's the Westminister Clocktower, the bell inside the tower is Big Ben. I was so embarrassed when a tour guide told me that on my first trip to England!! I'm such an American!!

As for my suggestion, I think you should brush it off too. If he's chill able it, then you should too. Just remember that you are MADLY in love with each other and cuddle him. And don't overdue it, okay? :]
Feb. 23rd, 2010 04:24 am (UTC)
Sooo, after reading your suggestion, I turned over to my bunny, and I kinda blurted out: "Are you sure you're okay with the other day?"

And he says: "What are you talking about?"

Me: "Uh, the dislocating shoulder thing."

Him: "..." *sigh* "Yes. I told you that already. Just don't do it again."

Me: "B-But what about my super strength?!"

Him: "I won't startle you again next time."

Me: "I wasn't scared!"

Him: "...Mmmhmm." *kisses forehead*

Me: "...You're sure you're fine about it?"

Him: "Yes, you idiot!"

*head desk* Why must my mouth go faster than my brain? And why must you be so fucking perceptive? Well, at least I know why he looks at me weird when I make Big Ben jokes.

Oh shit, I better hide that I've been getting relationship advice from LJ from him! I'd never live it down! DX
Feb. 23rd, 2010 01:04 pm (UTC)
I'm not perceptive. >_>a

I just think that it's okay to make mistakes and just accept them instead of constantly trying to fix them. Cause before you know it, that's all you're doing with your significant other.

England knows that there are things beyond your control, maybe it's time you realize this too. Or just let him top tonight. Your choice, sweetie.
Feb. 24th, 2010 03:18 am (UTC)
I think I'll take your advice, and drop it. Plus, Iggy offered to dislocate my shoulder so we could be even if I didn't stop worrying about it.
Feb. 23rd, 2010 12:26 pm (UTC)
*gives you a hug and a knowing smile*
We're fairly alike, you and I. I get that "oh-shit-i-fucked-something-up-let-me-fix-it" feeling a fair number of times, and most of the time get "it's-fine-you-don't-owe-me-anything-chill-already" of raised eyebrow in return.

So I'd give you advice, but don't really know if anything *I've* done has particularly worked so who'm I to advise?
At least you're in a relationship: I'm in a one-sided hopeless mess 8^( At least he cares enough to not outright hurt my feelings I guess.

If nothing else though, just be a little more cautious perhaps? And a little more lovey-dovey never hurt either
Feb. 24th, 2010 03:14 am (UTC)
Re: *gives you a hug and a knowing smile*
Nah, that's great advice! I'll definitely be more careful in the future. And ya know, watching the Olympics from bed is freaking awesome!
Feb. 24th, 2010 07:52 am (UTC)
Re: *gives you another hug and a knowing smile*
*chuckles* First reply not awesome enough for you?
Feb. 24th, 2010 02:11 pm (UTC)
Re: *gives you another hug and a knowing smile*
>.> The coffee said it needed more awesome. 'Sides, I'm in the opinion that you can never have enough awesome!
Feb. 25th, 2010 01:49 am (UTC)
Re: *gives you another hug and a knowing smile*
Or to put it another way, everyone loves a smeg-up, eh?

(captcha: income restored
Feb. 25th, 2010 11:25 am (UTC)
Aww... That's not good! D: And I will give you some suggestions if not for that you already solved it. Like letting him top the next time both of you have some smexy tiems. And maybe search his kinks... -Stares at the piles of fics that you tops Iggy since I never able to read UK/US =X-

I hope that you are able to make it to Iggy though! <3 I shouldn't comment on other's relationship when I'm asking my friends what to do when I love someone that's really sensitive... He's kind though

Btw... Can I friend you? ;A; I feel bad asking that since in the truth of all... You are still feeling bad and I ask you this? D:
Feb. 25th, 2010 02:10 pm (UTC)
Sure you can friend me, I don't mind. XD
Feb. 25th, 2010 02:22 pm (UTC)
YAY! Thank you so much, America~ -Huggle squishes you-

I'm really glad... Now I have more motivation to write my homework~

By the way, I want to offer you a free request to write a story~ 8D Whatever you want. =u= Although I prefer it's being US/UK just saying
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )